Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize