She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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