Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
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