i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
