She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
