How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
Randomize
