Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
