i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
