one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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