Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Never underestimate the power of titties
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Randomize
