Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
Randomize
