I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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