dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize