When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
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