i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
