nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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