The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize
