can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Randomize
