she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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