So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Randomize
