i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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