so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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