My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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