someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I want you more than these girls want KFC
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Randomize
