Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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