His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Randomize
