One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
