I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize
