i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
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