he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
