Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
