Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Randomize
