remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
