i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
i out mim tonsoeep
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