dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
