I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
