there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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