Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
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