If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
