He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
