I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
