My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Randomize
