This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Randomize
