my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Randomize
