I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
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