3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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