i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
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