i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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