hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
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