ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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