I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
