I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
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