i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
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