i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
