So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Randomize
