I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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