My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
