My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
