If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Randomize
